What is “Emotional Baggage”?

Most of us have heard it before:  “I met this great new person, but  it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out- they’ve got too much  baggage to be in a relationship right now.”   What exactly are people talking about when they say “emotional baggage?”   Generally speaking, this term refers to our emotional memories-  particularly the more painful ones, which shape how we see ourselves and  others, and influence how we conduct ourselves in relationships.  In  other words, our past experiences and relationships have a profound  influence on the types of people we are drawn to, and also on how we  think, feel and behave in our present relationships and interactions.   Emotional baggage can also arise from other identity markers such as the  racial/cultural, religious, or socio-economic status into which we were  born/raised.

Does emotional baggage prevent you or the person you’re dating from happiness and success in your relationship? 
Learning from past experiences is a fundamental part of growth and  maturity.  However some people internalize past negative experiences and  develop irrational fears/behaviors that prevent them from fully  participating in new relationships, often imposing this past onto  innocent newcomers.  Instead of serving as protection from the original,  painful experience, emotional baggage can lead some people to recreate a  similar dynamic within their new relationship, in an effort to overcome  their past.  Others allow their emotional baggage to serve as a shield  from engaging in emotional intimacy in a new relationship, out of fear  that their past will repeat itself.  For many, these are unintentional  patterns that may not be orchestrated on a conscious level.  Quite often  it’s our friends and family members who call these patterns to our  attention, hoping to break the cycle that keeps us from enjoying  satisfying relationships.

Examples of statements that reflect one’s emotional baggage:
“I’m sure he’ll cheat on me, just like my last boyfriend.”
“Women can’t be trusted.”
“If I share my true feelings with him, he’ll just use this to take advantage of me.”
“I’m not ready to be close to anyone right now. I’d rather just  ‘hang out’ with someone rather than have a boyfriend/girlfriend. ”
“Marriage never works out for anyone. It’s just what people do to give themselves a false sense of security.”
… etcetera… etcetera.

Help yourself break the cycle.
Taking a thorough inventory of your romantic past can help you in  determine any patterns that reflect your unresolved emotional baggage.
1.)  Make a list of the romantic relationships you have been  involved in and the major issues that occurred within each them. Are  there any commonalities?  These patterns will help you discover where  you should begin to heal yourself.  It’s important to know that you are  not at fault for all of the problems in your relationships, but  if you notice that the same types of issues arise in your failed  relationships, then it’s time to take a closer look at how you  contributed to this pattern.
2.)  Acknowledge your emotions.  Begin by identifying  strong feelings you have in response to people who’ve shaped how you  relate to others. Don’t blame yourself for harboring painful emotions  from the past.
Allow yourself to feel and express emotions you have learned to avoid.   Find closure by sharing your feelings with someone safe, or writing  them out in a private journal.
3.) Remind yourself that your feelings, while genuine, are not  necessarily accurate in predicting the feelings and behaviors of others.   Make an effort to accept people at face value, and allow them to show  you through their actions who they are; let their patterns of behavior  be the biggest indicator of who they’ll be in a relationship with you.   Learn from your past but recognize that every situation and every  relationship is different and unique.
4.) Accept that sometimes you may need outside/professional help.

Determine and set limits on how much ‘baggage’ you’re willing to accept from others.
We all have our own complex set of issues that come into play we enter  into new relationships.  Does that mean we have to accept other people’s  emotional baggage just to be in a relationship? Yes and No.  We can’t  expect to get close to others without being exposed to their past  emotional challenges and insecurities. Listening and being supportive is  a way to better understand who they are and how they will likely behave  in a relationship with you.  However, it’s also important to set  clear boundaries with yourself and them regarding what you’re willing to  accept, and for how long.  Understandably, a person with trust  issues may be initially guarded in a new relationship and have low  expectations for others’ reliability. However with time, if this person  is unwilling or unable to build their trust in you after you’ve shown  yourself to be trustworthy, this likely means your relationship with  them will remain unfulfilling, or worse, toxic.
Don’t waste time hoping and willing people to change when it comes to  dealing with people’s emotional baggage.  Remain true to the  characteristics you seek in others, and continue to explore and heal  your own baggage in order to have the relationship you want.

Continue reading on Examiner.com Dating 101: How to handle emotional baggage – yours and theirs. – Oakland Mental Health | Examiner.comhttp://www.examiner.com/mental-h… Dr. C. Villarreal

How Can I Make Life Miserable for My Ex?

There is so much human suffering, why would you want to make life miserable for another person? I must presume that you believe your ex made life miserable for you in some way? You believe somehow revenge will make you feel better?

If you chose to take revenge, you are simply continuing to allow yourself to stay – to wallow in the mire. Stop and think. What happens if your revenge does not make your ex miserable? What if they chose not to let your actions effect them? What will you do then? Will you be happy? No, you most definitely will not.

Only happiness can make you happy. Let go of your misery. Forget the revenge. People can do things to us. However, they cannot make us feel. We control how we react to their actions. They can only effect our emotions if we allow them to do so. Take back your control. Aim to control yourself, not others.

It’s hard to let go of a way of being. However, to find what you are looking for, you must. Don’t take garbage out of the trash – it is toxic. Your relationship is over. Take it to the curb, come inside, open a window and let some fresh air in.

Choose to be happy. Focus on building your happiness around yourself – your needs – not your ex. Focus on making yourself a whole person, completely content, happy and fulfilled – all by yourself. Then no one will ever have the power to make you think that they have the right to make you hand over the control of your emotions.

If a person doesn’t feel the need for someone else to complete them, they’ll never feel alone. If one doesn’t have fear of being alone, they won’t stay in a relationship that is deteriorating. They would leave long before the other person has a chance to wear them down so far — as to (allow them to) make them feel miserable.

First, love yourself completely; then, find someone who has done the same. When neither person in a relationship has the need to take/fulfill their individual needs from/through their partner – the relationship will be one of giving, sharing, and, supporting each other. Instead of the all too common relationship, in which insecure people primarily take, hoard, and, tear each other down.

Don’t aim to add to human suffering, for inevitably you will only be adding to your own. If your ex is a person who needed to control your emotions in order to make them feel full of life: The simple knowledge of you being happy, will probably make them  feel fmiserable. But then that will not be by your will, it will simply their reaction to the fact they have lost their power over you.

Take your power back. Find your happiness within. Embrace love.