If you love a beautiful flower, don’t pick it up, own or control it. Because if you pick it up, control it, it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a beautiful flower, let it be, let it blossom. Love is not about possession and control. Love is about… valuing. – based upon Osho (edited by Desirable Love)
Thank you for your questions.
To answer your first question: What makes a man fall in love with one woman over another?
What a question! There are so many variables: culture, age, formative childhood experiences, life experiences, genetics, and mental health… just to name a few. One could write volumes on this subject. Here I will try to write the mere essence of the totality. I want to state that my answer applies to all men and women — of all sexual orientations.
My answer is: NEED derived from a person’s mental state.
All humans need love, touch, human understanding. There have been studies in which infants died from lack of human touch — love and kindness. As humans we form our love models in early childhood — based upon our relationships with parents and caregivers. Then life experiences either reinforce or destroy those early concepts. Hence, everyone’s love model is completely individual to themselves — like our fingerprints.
If you had positive love models as a child, which were further reinforced as an adolescent and young adult — your love model will most likely continue to gravitate to people who will also become positive partners in your life. Unfortunately, with more and more broken homes, with popular cultural influences getting stronger and stronger – this is becoming less and less common.
For those who do not have positive love models? They will find that they primarily gravitate towards people whom do not turn out to be positive influences in their lives — but often even become destructive influences. This love model will be repeated time and time again until the person makes a conscious decision to put in the time and effort to change their love model — to whom they are attracted. They must reach a point in their lives that they decide to expect and accept nothing less than love in their closest relationships.
As for your second question: Why does a woman who is a great catch: she can be gorgeous, funny, intelligent, willing to learn, good listener, understanding, level headed in dealing with conflict, witty, sexy, sweet, and nonjudgmental. All of these good qualities…why can’t it inspire feelings of love in an otherwise intelligent man??
It would seem that his attraction towards women might be more inline with an earlier century’s norm, or, overly influenced by 21st century pop culture influences. If the situation makes him and his less intelligent partner truly happy — there isn’t an issue. If the situation is causing problems in his life, he might want to consider tweaking his love model.
How can you receive love with all that baggage?!? The only way to receive love is with an open heart and open arms. If you want love in your life, drop your baggage. All of it! Forgive and let go. Not for the others involved… but for yourself… and for the people who truly want to love you. You can’t receive love if no one can get close enough to touch your heart.
“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.” ~ Buddha (563-483 BC)
We are all one family. Love/Harmony is the answer to all that ails us.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE – our culture loves the word LOVE! We love our family, our mates, celebrities who are complete strangers, our fitness gurus, our car, our clothes… we simply love to “love”! In many languages the word for “love” is only used when referring to a person. In these same cultures, they would use their word for “like” for everything else. It is no wonder that we seem a bit confused as to the true definition of love – for we simply love too many things!
If you look the word love up in an English dictionary it is defined as: need, attachment, desire, sexual desire/sex, a strong “liking” (really?), affection, tenderness, extreme passion, a beloved… Wow! It seems to mean everything we don’t hate – except for the fact it means “sex” & many people have sex with hate in their hearts. The word “love” in our culture is so over used– that it almost ceases to mean anything at all.
Here, for our purposes @ desirablelove.com, LOVE will mean BELOVED, which is defined as: greatly loved, dear to the heart. Period. Years ago, I was on a third date. At the end of the evening I remember the man whispering in my ear, “Make love to me.” I thought: What?! Make love to you?!? I don’t even know you! The poor guy… If he had simply said, “have sex with me” he would have had a better chance in attaining his desired goal. I can still hear those disturbing words from a literal stranger.
You have to know a living being well, before they can be dear to your heart – before you can love them. That includes yourself.