What makes a man fall in love with one woman over another?

Thank you for your questions.

To answer your first question: What makes a man fall in love with one woman over another? 

What a question! There are so many variables: culture, age, formative childhood experiences, life experiences, genetics, and mental health… just to name a few. One could write volumes on this subject. Here I will try to write the mere essence of the totality. I want to state that my answer applies to all men and women — of all sexual orientations.

My answer is: NEED derived from a person’s mental state.

All humans need love, touch, human understanding. There have been studies in which infants died from lack of human touch — love and kindness. As humans we form our love models in early childhood — based upon our relationships with parents and caregivers. Then life experiences either reinforce or destroy those early concepts. Hence, everyone’s love model is completely individual to themselves — like our fingerprints.

If you had positive love models as a child, which were further reinforced as an adolescent and young adult — your love model will most likely continue to gravitate to people who will also become positive partners in your life. Unfortunately, with more and more broken homes, with popular cultural influences getting stronger and stronger – this is becoming less and less common.

For those who do not have positive love models? They will find that they primarily gravitate towards people whom do not turn out to be positive influences in their lives — but often even become destructive influences. This love model will be repeated time and time again until the person makes a conscious decision to put in the time and effort to change their love model — to whom they are attracted. They must reach a point in their lives that they decide to expect and accept nothing less than love in their closest relationships.

As for your second question: Why does a woman who is a great catch: she can be gorgeous, funny, intelligent, willing to learn, good listener, understanding, level headed in dealing with conflict, witty, sexy, sweet, and nonjudgmental. All of these good qualities…why can’t it inspire feelings of love in an otherwise intelligent man??

It would seem that his attraction towards women might be more inline with an earlier century’s norm, or, overly influenced by 21st century pop culture influences. If the situation makes him and his less intelligent partner truly happy — there isn’t an issue. If the situation is causing problems in his life, he might want to consider tweaking his love model.

I Love Someone Who is Married

I was asked: What should you do if you love a person very much who has married?

The  person is “married”. They have taken a vow — either in front or God or a legal authority. If you truly love them, let them live their lives without this knowledge.

With love comes sacrifice. I am sorry to say, this needs to be yours.

~may you find love again

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE – our culture loves to LOVE!

Love2

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE – our culture loves the word LOVE! We love our family, our mates, celebrities who are complete strangers, our fitness gurus, our car, our clothes… we simply love to “love”! In many languages the word for “love” is only used when referring to a person. In these same cultures, they would use their word for “like” for everything else. It is no wonder that we seem a bit confused as to the true definition of love – for we simply love too many things!

If you look the word love up in an English dictionary it is defined as: need, attachment, desire, sexual desire/sex, a strong “liking” (really?), affection, tenderness, extreme passion, a beloved… Wow! It seems to mean everything we don’t hate – except for the fact it means “sex” & many people have sex with hate in their hearts. The word “love” in our culture is so over used– that it almost ceases to mean anything at all.

Here, for our purposes @ desirablelove.com, LOVE will mean BELOVED, which is defined as: greatly loved, dear to the heart. Period. Years ago, I was on a third date. At the end of the evening I remember the man whispering in my ear, “Make love to me.” I thought: What?! Make love to you?!? I don’t even know you! The poor guy… If he had simply said, “have sex with me” he would have had a better chance in attaining his desired goal. I can still hear those disturbing words from a literal stranger.

You have to know a living being well, before they can be dear to your heart – before you can love them. That includes yourself.

Love, respect & understanding buys true wealth.

Joy

Money can buy
a bed, but not sleep;
sex, but not love;
a house, but not a home;
a book, but not knowledge;
position, but not respect;
a watch, but not time;
finery, but not beauty;
medicine, but not health;
food, but not fulfillment;
entertainment, but not joy;
acquaintances, but not friends;
a ring, but not a marriage….
Money can buy you a lot of material things.
However, love, respect & understanding buys true wealth.

How Can I Make Life Miserable for My Ex?

There is so much human suffering, why would you want to make life miserable for another person? I must presume that you believe your ex made life miserable for you in some way? You believe somehow revenge will make you feel better?

If you chose to take revenge, you are simply continuing to allow yourself to stay – to wallow in the mire. Stop and think. What happens if your revenge does not make your ex miserable? What if they chose not to let your actions effect them? What will you do then? Will you be happy? No, you most definitely will not.

Only happiness can make you happy. Let go of your misery. Forget the revenge. People can do things to us. However, they cannot make us feel. We control how we react to their actions. They can only effect our emotions if we allow them to do so. Take back your control. Aim to control yourself, not others.

It’s hard to let go of a way of being. However, to find what you are looking for, you must. Don’t take garbage out of the trash – it is toxic. Your relationship is over. Take it to the curb, come inside, open a window and let some fresh air in.

Choose to be happy. Focus on building your happiness around yourself – your needs – not your ex. Focus on making yourself a whole person, completely content, happy and fulfilled – all by yourself. Then no one will ever have the power to make you think that they have the right to make you hand over the control of your emotions.

If a person doesn’t feel the need for someone else to complete them, they’ll never feel alone. If one doesn’t have fear of being alone, they won’t stay in a relationship that is deteriorating. They would leave long before the other person has a chance to wear them down so far — as to (allow them to) make them feel miserable.

First, love yourself completely; then, find someone who has done the same. When neither person in a relationship has the need to take/fulfill their individual needs from/through their partner – the relationship will be one of giving, sharing, and, supporting each other. Instead of the all too common relationship, in which insecure people primarily take, hoard, and, tear each other down.

Don’t aim to add to human suffering, for inevitably you will only be adding to your own. If your ex is a person who needed to control your emotions in order to make them feel full of life: The simple knowledge of you being happy, will probably make them  feel fmiserable. But then that will not be by your will, it will simply their reaction to the fact they have lost their power over you.

Take your power back. Find your happiness within. Embrace love.