Unconditional Love: WARNING!

You attract what you are. – Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Is this true? Yes and no.

You hear from so many: “Become what you want to attract…”. Even some of the posts on this blog have inferred the same… However, before I write any further about desirable love (how to attain it)…I would like to attach a WARNING LABEL to the process.

You hear a lot about 1st “learn to love yourself”…. and as you “learn to forgive”, “love unconditionally”, and “be more accepting” of yourself – you will simultaneously learn how to be more empathetic/forgiving/loving to others… blah, blah, blah.

So now suppose we have done our “work”… we have become a more loving individual… we should attract a more empathetic/understanding/loving partner into our lives… Correct? Well, yes and NO! You will attract both; good & bad. In fact, the better you become, the better & the worse you will attract. Why? & How can one avoid this?

Every human being is attracted to beauty/harmony/love – it is essential to our health and well-being (physically/mentally and spiritually). We are therefore instinctively drawn to it. The more a person is lacking these qualities inside themselves – the more they need them from a source outside of themselves. In fact, the less desirable (unhealthy/inharmonic/unloving) a person is on the inside, the greater their attraction to posses these qualities through a person whom they perceive as having an abundance of loving qualities (empathy, compassion, supportiveness, unconditional love & acceptance…).

To use a vivid example: Psychopaths. They are proven to seek partners who rank in the very highest (90+ percentiles) for the human emotion: empathy. Psychopaths actually hunt to find the most loving of us (knowing that these people are best suited to let them get away with their lack of human kindness, compassion… love… for the longest period of time); a loving person balances out their complete inability to feel empathy, or, their complete inability to form human attachments. A loving partner helps them appear normal to society (giving them a cloak to hide under while they commit crimes against humanity – especially your humanity). The only way they can form a partnership is to pair with a person that practices forgiveness, compassion, unconditional love & acceptance. As you can see, the practice of unconditional love & acceptance can be very dangerous in real world scenarios.

How does one avoid getting involved with negative people? Practice unconditional love on yourself… not blindly on every person you meet! Even Jesus said: Forgive another “seventy times seven”. 70 x 7 = 490. Four hundred and ninety is a finite number. If a person is in an abusive relationship, that person could easily forgive their abuser 490 times in just one week (often less). Again, unconditional love should be practiced on yourself – to allow you to constantly move forward/make progress (physically/mentally and/or spiritually). However, forgiveness should be finite for those seeking to consume/destroy your health and well-being for their own selfish needs.

To be very clear: as you improve yourself be very careful of those you let into your inner circle. We all need to be improving ourselves. Be wary of those who are adults and are not. If someone seeks your help, don’t “do” for them — guide them. The best way to help someone else is to provide a good example (which obviously comes back to us focusing on our own frailties – working on making ourselves healthier).

If you do mistakenly get into a draining one-sided relationship, if a person is leaving you feeling physically, mentally and/or spiritually drained and/or confused – distance yourself ASAP (to regain your harmony/your inner strength). If later you decide to continue some form of a relationship with this person, maintain enough distance (physically and/or mentally) that they are no longer able to (literally) suck the life out of you. Try to remember to only have close intimate relationships with people that are already (or working hard to be) full of love.

Opposites do attract. Loving people have been programmed by culture to want to help those they believe need their love and support. Disharmonious people are instinctively attracted to those from whom they can easily take what they do in fact need – however, have not had the guidance to learn how to, or, simply do not want to put in the effort to build for themselves.

Be(a)ware; you can and should love other adults – just make sure it is not negatively affecting you physically, mentally and/or spiritually. Loving your children can be draining, Remember, you can only give what you have. If you sacrifice too much of yourself, in time you will not be able to give them the love they deserve. Always cultivate and protect your inner beauty/your loving spirit. Don’t depend on others to do this for you. Make maintaining AND protecting (respecting) your physical, mental and spiritual health/harmony your number one priority. Then you will have the chance of being available when the right person does come into your life.

Take care & be well!

Drop Your Baggage!

How can you receive love with all that baggage?!? The only way to receive love is with an open heart and open arms. If you want love in your life, drop your baggage. All of it! Forgive and let go. Not for the others involved… but for yourself… and for the people who truly want to love you. You can’t receive love if no one can get close enough to touch your heart.

What is “Emotional Baggage”?

Most of us have heard it before:  “I met this great new person, but  it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out- they’ve got too much  baggage to be in a relationship right now.”   What exactly are people talking about when they say “emotional baggage?”   Generally speaking, this term refers to our emotional memories-  particularly the more painful ones, which shape how we see ourselves and  others, and influence how we conduct ourselves in relationships.  In  other words, our past experiences and relationships have a profound  influence on the types of people we are drawn to, and also on how we  think, feel and behave in our present relationships and interactions.   Emotional baggage can also arise from other identity markers such as the  racial/cultural, religious, or socio-economic status into which we were  born/raised.

Does emotional baggage prevent you or the person you’re dating from happiness and success in your relationship? 
Learning from past experiences is a fundamental part of growth and  maturity.  However some people internalize past negative experiences and  develop irrational fears/behaviors that prevent them from fully  participating in new relationships, often imposing this past onto  innocent newcomers.  Instead of serving as protection from the original,  painful experience, emotional baggage can lead some people to recreate a  similar dynamic within their new relationship, in an effort to overcome  their past.  Others allow their emotional baggage to serve as a shield  from engaging in emotional intimacy in a new relationship, out of fear  that their past will repeat itself.  For many, these are unintentional  patterns that may not be orchestrated on a conscious level.  Quite often  it’s our friends and family members who call these patterns to our  attention, hoping to break the cycle that keeps us from enjoying  satisfying relationships.

Examples of statements that reflect one’s emotional baggage:
“I’m sure he’ll cheat on me, just like my last boyfriend.”
“Women can’t be trusted.”
“If I share my true feelings with him, he’ll just use this to take advantage of me.”
“I’m not ready to be close to anyone right now. I’d rather just  ‘hang out’ with someone rather than have a boyfriend/girlfriend. ”
“Marriage never works out for anyone. It’s just what people do to give themselves a false sense of security.”
… etcetera… etcetera.

Help yourself break the cycle.
Taking a thorough inventory of your romantic past can help you in  determine any patterns that reflect your unresolved emotional baggage.
1.)  Make a list of the romantic relationships you have been  involved in and the major issues that occurred within each them. Are  there any commonalities?  These patterns will help you discover where  you should begin to heal yourself.  It’s important to know that you are  not at fault for all of the problems in your relationships, but  if you notice that the same types of issues arise in your failed  relationships, then it’s time to take a closer look at how you  contributed to this pattern.
2.)  Acknowledge your emotions.  Begin by identifying  strong feelings you have in response to people who’ve shaped how you  relate to others. Don’t blame yourself for harboring painful emotions  from the past.
Allow yourself to feel and express emotions you have learned to avoid.   Find closure by sharing your feelings with someone safe, or writing  them out in a private journal.
3.) Remind yourself that your feelings, while genuine, are not  necessarily accurate in predicting the feelings and behaviors of others.   Make an effort to accept people at face value, and allow them to show  you through their actions who they are; let their patterns of behavior  be the biggest indicator of who they’ll be in a relationship with you.   Learn from your past but recognize that every situation and every  relationship is different and unique.
4.) Accept that sometimes you may need outside/professional help.

Determine and set limits on how much ‘baggage’ you’re willing to accept from others.
We all have our own complex set of issues that come into play we enter  into new relationships.  Does that mean we have to accept other people’s  emotional baggage just to be in a relationship? Yes and No.  We can’t  expect to get close to others without being exposed to their past  emotional challenges and insecurities. Listening and being supportive is  a way to better understand who they are and how they will likely behave  in a relationship with you.  However, it’s also important to set  clear boundaries with yourself and them regarding what you’re willing to  accept, and for how long.  Understandably, a person with trust  issues may be initially guarded in a new relationship and have low  expectations for others’ reliability. However with time, if this person  is unwilling or unable to build their trust in you after you’ve shown  yourself to be trustworthy, this likely means your relationship with  them will remain unfulfilling, or worse, toxic.
Don’t waste time hoping and willing people to change when it comes to  dealing with people’s emotional baggage.  Remain true to the  characteristics you seek in others, and continue to explore and heal  your own baggage in order to have the relationship you want.

Continue reading on Examiner.com Dating 101: How to handle emotional baggage – yours and theirs. – Oakland Mental Health | Examiner.comhttp://www.examiner.com/mental-h… Dr. C. Villarreal