A healthy person is always…

A healthy person is always aware that whatsoever (s)he is doing, (s)he is responsible. ~ Osho

If you want a healthy (loving) relationship, it is important to remember: Whatever is going on in that relationship, you are somehow as responsible as the other person. Remembering this will give you a sense of freedom in all your relationships. ~desirable love

Sex God(dess)

It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams… that’s being naked.

~ Excerpt from Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality, written by Rob Bell

If you can’t get naked, you’ll never know love.

~Desirable Love

Love is about valuing.

If you love a beautiful flower, don’t pick it up, own or control it. Because if you pick it up, control it, it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a beautiful flower, let it be, let it blossom. Love is not about possession and control. Love is about… valuing. – based upon Osho (edited by Desirable Love)

What makes a man fall in love with one woman over another?

Thank you for your questions.

To answer your first question: What makes a man fall in love with one woman over another? 

What a question! There are so many variables: culture, age, formative childhood experiences, life experiences, genetics, and mental health… just to name a few. One could write volumes on this subject. Here I will try to write the mere essence of the totality. I want to state that my answer applies to all men and women — of all sexual orientations.

My answer is: NEED derived from a person’s mental state.

All humans need love, touch, human understanding. There have been studies in which infants died from lack of human touch — love and kindness. As humans we form our love models in early childhood — based upon our relationships with parents and caregivers. Then life experiences either reinforce or destroy those early concepts. Hence, everyone’s love model is completely individual to themselves — like our fingerprints.

If you had positive love models as a child, which were further reinforced as an adolescent and young adult — your love model will most likely continue to gravitate to people who will also become positive partners in your life. Unfortunately, with more and more broken homes, with popular cultural influences getting stronger and stronger – this is becoming less and less common.

For those who do not have positive love models? They will find that they primarily gravitate towards people whom do not turn out to be positive influences in their lives — but often even become destructive influences. This love model will be repeated time and time again until the person makes a conscious decision to put in the time and effort to change their love model — to whom they are attracted. They must reach a point in their lives that they decide to expect and accept nothing less than love in their closest relationships.

As for your second question: Why does a woman who is a great catch: she can be gorgeous, funny, intelligent, willing to learn, good listener, understanding, level headed in dealing with conflict, witty, sexy, sweet, and nonjudgmental. All of these good qualities…why can’t it inspire feelings of love in an otherwise intelligent man??

It would seem that his attraction towards women might be more inline with an earlier century’s norm, or, overly influenced by 21st century pop culture influences. If the situation makes him and his less intelligent partner truly happy — there isn’t an issue. If the situation is causing problems in his life, he might want to consider tweaking his love model.

Delve a bit deeper.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out… (however,) when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. – E. Kubler-Ross

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart. – H. Keller

If you want someone thoroughly beautiful, you are simply going to have to delve a bit deeper.

Are women attracted to men physically, or, just their perks?

I was asked: Are women actually physically attracted to any men, or, is it really just about ‘everything else’?

I live in a town where men and women are obsessed with jogging. In the warmer seasons, both men and women run with literally nothing on but their sun block and running shoes.

Several years ago, I was driving in town when I was suddenly distracted by a very attractive (almost naked) man running in front of my car. I momentarily lost all higher-level brain function, my eyes became completely fixated on him, and, I nearly drove off the road as a result. It was a truly primal reaction of sexual attraction.

After regaining my composure, the control of my vehicle, and, as the blood slowly returned to my head, I suddenly remembered why men have such a hard time when an attractive woman wears physically revealing attire. It is literally impossible not to look; literally impossible not to be attracted.

Because of that embarrassing confession: I can state that without a doubt: Yes, (hetero-) females are physically attracted to men, without “everything else”. That being said, I am also attracted to men (with clothing) that have a great mind, have a big heart, make me laugh… anyone who is happy and harmonious I find just as mesmerizing. In addition, I can honestly say that I have never been attracted to a man for the car he drove, the watch he wore, the private clubs he belonged to… This is not due to any greatness on my part, but the simple fact that I have been fortunate enough in my life not to have needed a man to provide me with nice things, or, security.

So please, don’t criticize those who instinctively do look for men with material strength. Remember, we are sexual animals first — conditioned to be a part of civilized society second. When we first see a person (of the gender we are attracted to), our first reaction is primal. Men innately are attracted to the woman who appears most ready to mate (bear their children) & women are attracted to the strongest male (who will be able to provide food, shelter and protection for her young).

In our modern world, physical attractiveness/health in a male is no longer enough to secure the well-being of children. Quite often, the male who is best able to provide these primal needs does not appear (if you were to strip him of his fine clothes) physically strong. Thus, our culture has changed what many women are attracted to in a man. One should not judge too harshly the women who are attracted to wealthy men for the material perks they can provide; anymore than you should judge the men who can’t help but look at a woman that is dressed provocatively. Instead, blame the industrial revolution.

Do not despair though, since WWII more and more women are able to provide for themselves (and their children). They have recently done studies on wealthy powerful women. It appears that they tend to be attracted to men who are the most physically fit. Period. No “everything else” required for these ladies. So, there you go. As culture changes, a woman’s innate primal need to ensure the well being of her offspring also changes. As a result, what she is attracted to in a man changes. Wealthy powerful women are still a small minority… but who knows? In time, it might be the majority of men that are primarily attracted to women with material perks. We’ll have to wait and see.

Meanwhile, I think there are enough evolved people who can look past purely physical or material attraction. Not to say they won’t get an occasional whiplash from either!

Thanks for the question.

I Love Someone Who is Married

I was asked: What should you do if you love a person very much who has married?

The  person is “married”. They have taken a vow — either in front or God or a legal authority. If you truly love them, let them live their lives without this knowledge.

With love comes sacrifice. I am sorry to say, this needs to be yours.

~may you find love again