Betrothed, yet Attracted to Another

I love my boyfriend, we are getting married soon. Sadly, I am also attracted to another guy, a colleague of mine. How do I take away the attraction? — Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, If the attraction to someone (who is not your betrothed) is strong enough to make you wistful, you need to consider (at the minimum) postponing your wedding date. This unnerving attraction probably does not mean your colleague is “the one” for you. However, it is an alarm screaming your fiancé might not be “the one” either.

Remember, you can love someone but not be “in love” with them. When you are ‘in love’, it is as when you are inside anything (you are surrounded by it; enveloped). It is all encompassing. That’s why people often refer to lovers as “being in their own world”… “only having eyes for each other”… If you do not feel this way, just days/weeks before your wedding, you need to take pause and figure out why.

There is nothing wrong with loving someone – yet, not being in-love with them. However, it is wrong to take a vow to be faithful to someone, when you doubt your desire/ability to do so. It is better that you realize it might be time to take a step back, before the wedding.

Don’t you find it interesting that you referred to your soon-to-be husband as “my boy-friend” (not as “my fiancé”)? Take a pause. Take time to think about what your true feelings are for this man – before you make possibly the biggest mistake of both your lives.

There will probably be many people who will be upset by you putting things on hold. Explain to them that you need to do what is best for both you and your betrothed – for the long term – not just the day of the wedding. You should know, at this point in your journey, there are no easy routes. So try to determine what’s best for you both, and get going.

You might figure out you simply had a slight case of pre-wedding jitters. Then wedding bells will be a-ringing! If not, you will be saving a lot of people from a lot of heartache – in the long run.

I wish you clarity in your decision. Good luck!

Mail-Order Bride.

I am engaged to a beautiful Russian girl whom I met via a Russian marriage website. We spent three amazing weeks together in Russia and will be married in my country in December. Is it a good idea to tell her that if she ever cheats on me, even only once, that she’s going back to Russia? – G. Terry

Dear G. Terry, Well, it seems as if you have doubts as to her sincerity. It is in fact, hard to imagine what would motivate anyone to advertise themselves as being willing to marry someone on the other side of the globe (to be willing to leave their home, family, friends, culture – all physical and emotional security behind) – for someone whom they don’t really know. In fact, it is almost inexplicable.

Let’s think about this. The entire endeavor is a huge gamble on her part.  What could be worth so much to risk everything? Certainly not love. If she is as beautiful and amazing as you say she is – she can easily find love at home (which would have the added benefit of not having to give up the rest of her life). Correct? What could the motivation be? A passport? Money? Or (much worse), perhaps someone is coercing her into “selling” herself? All of those possibilities are more plausible than her being on the hunt for true/everlasting/undying love.

Her motivation to marry you is not love. This could be the reason you fear infidelity. Maybe you felt a lack of true emotion when you had intimate moments (during those brief few weeks you were actually able see her in person)? I think the fact that you are having doubts shows that you haven’t completely lost your mind. Anyone, I reiterate anyone, can act amazing for three weeks. This is most especially true if they have a dilemma and they see you as the best solution available to them.

All that being said, if you truly believe you love this woman, what is the rush? Marriage is supposed to be forever. Right? If you have waited your entire life for the right woman, why do you have to get married in one month’s time? What difference would one year of dating really make in the span of an entire life? Spend time to get to know this woman better. Have her come to your country for several weeks. See how she fits in with your friends and relatives. Do not marry her until you trust her enough not to doubt her intentions. A marriage without trust is no marriage at all.

If you already know in your heart that her intentions are not pure, do not go through with your marriage plans. Either way, I wish you both the best of luck.