Mail-Order Bride.

I am engaged to a beautiful Russian girl whom I met via a Russian marriage website. We spent three amazing weeks together in Russia and will be married in my country in December. Is it a good idea to tell her that if she ever cheats on me, even only once, that she’s going back to Russia? – G. Terry

Dear G. Terry, Well, it seems as if you have doubts as to her sincerity. It is in fact, hard to imagine what would motivate anyone to advertise themselves as being willing to marry someone on the other side of the globe (to be willing to leave their home, family, friends, culture – all physical and emotional security behind) – for someone whom they don’t really know. In fact, it is almost inexplicable.

Let’s think about this. The entire endeavor is a huge gamble on her part.  What could be worth so much to risk everything? Certainly not love. If she is as beautiful and amazing as you say she is – she can easily find love at home (which would have the added benefit of not having to give up the rest of her life). Correct? What could the motivation be? A passport? Money? Or (much worse), perhaps someone is coercing her into “selling” herself? All of those possibilities are more plausible than her being on the hunt for true/everlasting/undying love.

Her motivation to marry you is not love. This could be the reason you fear infidelity. Maybe you felt a lack of true emotion when you had intimate moments (during those brief few weeks you were actually able see her in person)? I think the fact that you are having doubts shows that you haven’t completely lost your mind. Anyone, I reiterate anyone, can act amazing for three weeks. This is most especially true if they have a dilemma and they see you as the best solution available to them.

All that being said, if you truly believe you love this woman, what is the rush? Marriage is supposed to be forever. Right? If you have waited your entire life for the right woman, why do you have to get married in one month’s time? What difference would one year of dating really make in the span of an entire life? Spend time to get to know this woman better. Have her come to your country for several weeks. See how she fits in with your friends and relatives. Do not marry her until you trust her enough not to doubt her intentions. A marriage without trust is no marriage at all.

If you already know in your heart that her intentions are not pure, do not go through with your marriage plans. Either way, I wish you both the best of luck.

Missing WordPress

At the end of the summer, I was offered a Q&A newspaper column regarding Love & Life. I have been working hard to get it off the ground. It’s almost ready to take flight. During it’s incubation, I’ve been missing the WordPress community. I look forward to being back & seeing what everyone is up to!

Refocus your Focus!

All of us have priorities, things we must focus on. Deadlines we must meet. But as we spend our days hyper focused on achieving whatever it is that is at the top of our to-do list…. Much of life (life happening all around us) seems to blur into the background – even when you think it is not. Even when you think your juggling really well; your eye, on all the balls… in reality, you ultimately drop one or two.

And what do we lose focus of most often? Things that are not a priority? Yes. But we also tend to lose focus on things that are a priority (usually things that are going so well… we simply feel we can relax a bit). Unfortunately, these are often our most important relationships.

Recently, my youngest started developing a nervous tick. Almost unperceivable at first, yet it went from 0 to 90 (becoming a chronic tick) in less than 2 weeks. It developed at such an alarming rate, that my child’s teacher, assistant teacher and myself all sought each other out (in a bit of a panic) to discuss what course of action should be taken.

My youngest has a learning disability, so he has had a lot of attention from me & help from tutors, therapists… to prepare him for school. After years of work & due to the fact everything was going so well, the tutors, teachers… and I all changed our main focus to more urgent priorities & BAM! Something happened to trigger his stress tick, but none of us had been focused on him enough to know exactly what. I took my eye of the ball so briefly, and one of my most important relationships immediately began to suffer.

During the same time period (not a coincidence), I had just gone back to work and was pushing myself to prove myself after being out of the workforce for a number of years. I spent far too many hours staring into my illuminated computer screens… and started developing mild headaches… Since I was trying to reach a deadline, I ignored my bodies warning and kept working until I got the job done. I pushed myself so hard that I ended up having a horrific migraine last Friday that lasted 72 hours through the Memorial Day weekend.

I reached my goal. However, I was so focused on my work, that I dropped two balls (my caregiver relationship with my son and my relationship with myself/my health). I ignored the warning signs (the mild tick and the mild headaches). I simply thought I had more time before I had to address the problems. Due to my delay, mild problems became chronic.

How often do we ignore (relationship and/or health) warning signs in our lives? We are all so busy, and our to-do lists at times seem endless… relationships (& health) often suffer because of it. How do we stay focused on all that is important to us? We don’t. However, we can address ensuing problems in our relationships as soon as they pop up – not waiting until they become chronic situations.

I know how to take care of myself when I get out of whack. So I do (although I shouldn’t) sometimes drive myself harder than I should. However, seeing my son out of whack for the first time – helped me refocus my focus on the most important things in my life. It was no mere coincidence that my son developed a nervous tick at the exact same time I went back to work. Everyone in a relationship (household…) affects everyone else. My son did not hear me speak or see me behave in any stressful ways… he simply felt the stress I was internalizing.

I dropped everything over Memorial Day weekend to right my wrongs. Thank goodness I was able to find a natural remedy for my migraines – and am back to work no problem. As for my son, we had a number of long talks. I am no longer multitasking in his presence. If he is “present” – so am I. His teachers are glad to report that his chronic tick is now no more than an occasional nervous twitch.

If I want my home to be healthy and harmonious, I have to be a model of health and harmony – not just outwardly but inwardly (physically, mentally & spiritually) as well. If your harmony/health is not deep – your energy/vibration will affect others/your relationships in negative ways (despite your outward well intended words and actions and/or your ability to “appear” healthy on the outside).

Pay attention to all that is important to you… when you notice something going astray – act as soon as possible. Don’t be afraid to face a problem or change the status quo. The less damage that is done, the easier things will be to rectify. When you do fall off the wagon (so-to-speak), don’t be upset with yourself. Simply do your best to regain your (physical, mental and/or spiritual) harmony again – ASAP. If it is done quickly enough (without too much harm to those around you), your relationships should get back on track (after you say any needed amends of course:).

If life has simply been too hectic to manage, and, issues in an important relationship do become chronic… Again, do not waste time feeling guilty and/or beating yourself up over the situation… Refocus your focus and face it head on!

Beware of the Barrenness of a Busy Life.

Beware of the barrenness of a busy life.  – Socrates

We are physical beings, living in a physical (material) world. The need to pursue networks to become more successful materially (financially) – is a vital part of our survival. However, we are also beings with complex psychological and spiritual (harmonic & loving) needs as well.

Make sure to make time for deeper connections with those around you. Being busy and jumping from one chaotic work and/or social event to the next doesn’t leave time for truly understanding your needs, and/or the needs of those around you. If you can’t find time everyday, try to find time once a week (at the bare minimum) for quiet time  to focus on keeping harmony in yourself and your relationships.

Desirable love is complex, but well worth the effort. When you have harmonic loving relationships in your life, you will be stronger mentally, spiritually, physically & thus materially. Yes, materially. At the end of a chaotic busy productive day/period/life… don’t find yourself standing alone (with none who truly loves and cares for you). A life barren of love and harmony is simply put – an unsuccessful life.

Givers Need to Set Limits Because Takers Never Do.

GiverAndTake2

Givers need to set limits because takers never do, is a tenet of a number of Eastern philosophies.

Personally, I was born in the west and raised to always “turn the other cheek”, forgive (& forget), practice unconditional love…

As a young adult, to my surprise, I often found myself in relationships where it appeared that the other person had not received the same memos. Never-the-less, due to these beliefs being ingrained in my subconscious – I merrily committed myself to the unconditional love/’til to death do we part scenario… just to find myself literally dying from trying…

In short, I still believe in forgiveness (as do Eastern philosophies). Forgiveness is not so much for the sake of the person you are forgiving, but for your own peace of mind. However, I now also believe in limits.

Don’t get me wrong. It is important to put effort into your relationships. The old adage: the best things in life don’t come easy is quite true. Relationships can grow in depth and intimacy when they survive trials and tribulations – together.

I guess that is the key. If both people are trying, a relationship is worth fighting for. However, if you find you have been the only person trying for an extended period of time… you must set a limit. “‘Til death do we part” should be interpreted as the death/loss of any part of us that makes us healthy and whole (loss of physical health, loss of joy/emotional well-being, loss of spiritual well-being). Don’t let a ‘Taker’ take parts of you. If the lack of true partnership in a relationship is killing you – forgive, grow & go.

A healthy person is always…

A healthy person is always aware that whatsoever (s)he is doing, (s)he is responsible. ~ Osho

If you want a healthy (loving) relationship, it is important to remember: Whatever is going on in that relationship, you are somehow as responsible as the other person. Remembering this will give you a sense of freedom in all your relationships. ~desirable love

Sex God(dess)

It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams… that’s being naked.

~ Excerpt from Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality, written by Rob Bell

If you can’t get naked, you’ll never know love.

~Desirable Love