Let’s be clear…

There were several comments yesterday that made me feel I must clarify some points:

Some were worried that I might make people question their actions. In response: Yes. One intention in yesterday’s post was to suggest people question what they are now being told is a norm through the mass media capitalizing on the promotion of S&M (the subject raised in the film 50 Shades of Grey): hurting others intimately and/or letting others hurt you intimately. Even though some readers believed really hurting/injuring someone grows trust, respect and communication… studies have shown that in fact they have the exact opposite effect on a relationship.

Forget all the misleading mass media hype that it’s “playful”. Try to think of it in other terms. If you love your child, would you want to experiment with hurting them to build trust? Would it give you pleasure to hurt them? Would it give them pleasure? No, of course not! We have to be careful in confusing the trend of accepting/loving everyone for whom they are (which is a good thing), with accepting/allowing people to do what ever they want to us in the name of “love” (that is a bad thing).

Some inferred in comments to yesterday’s post: as long as it is consensual…it is ok to hurt others. Is it? There are many people in this world who think they are not worthy of being loved… Some people would prefer a destructive relationship to no relationship at all… The thought of being alone is unbearable for many — so they are willing to put up with all kinds of abuse… There are many reasons why someone would consent to being hurt — but none of them are healthy. No one should be abused, whether they “ask for it” or not. Just like, no one should be raped, even though many perps say their victim “asked for it”. People need to learn to love and respect themselves enough to tell their abusers, “No!”

Psychology is a relatively new science. There is so much psychiatrists/psychologists/therapists don’t know about what makes us “tick”. However, older sciences have proven that pain is the body’s alarm system. The sole purpose of pain is to alert the mind/person that there is something wrong; something needs to be addressed/attended to/resolved immediately. That is a fact. Pain = Something is Wrong.

Anger, not love, motivates people to inflict suffering on others (history is ripe with examples of this fact). Self-hate/lack of self-respect is what allows people to let others abuse them. Get rid of the anger and/or self-loathing. Experiment with love. For your own health and well-being… for all of us: love is the answer.

Published by

desirablelove.com

New York University MA · Aesthetics (study of the mind and emotions in relation to the sense of beauty/harmony) Colloquium Title: “The Meta- and Physical Epistemology of Aesthetics: how the human body, mind & spirit are effected by beauty/harmony & love” New York University BA · Double Major: Psychology/Art History · Double Minor: Writing/Photography Former Columnist New York Post · New York, NY

27 thoughts on “Let’s be clear…”

  1. Great follow up. There is no place for hurt in our lives. We should know the difference between love and lust. Love can be endless. You stated it clearly. Let’s not let the media fool us by thinking that something not honorable to women is right. I think we are better than that?

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Thank you! So true. I want to make sure I don’t make anyone think I believe only men can behave in hurtful ways, for we know that women are just as capable. & Yes, it is not right for any of us to cross the line and injure another on purpose… it is our intentions that make the difference. Thanks for sharing!

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Your message is clear! Perhaps others will follow this message. At least the dialog has been started. Powerful words can lead to change. Your efforts are terrific. Let’s hope others can carry it forward.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Sex is often abuse, only very rare its love , see porn full of abuse , love is giving ,sex is taking , media glorifies sex because its a big industry , people see and try to imitate things. prevalent abuse.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This was a thoughtful and interesting further reflection. I posted an essay similar to your first one on my blog some time ago and I got jumped on in the same way you did. I was talking about what I wanted and not telling others what they should do. What those readers neglected to consider was that consensus can be forced. Partners can withhold attention or affection if their needs are not met and they can say that it’s unfair that the other partner does not meet their needs. Then, I did a recent post called Bad Doll, where I try to illustrate this point. Logic gets twisted in the name of love. You are not alone in this, and please don’t mind the naysayers. There are more people hurting because of their inability to assert their rights in situations. Speaking out helps them. Thank you for adding your voice.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. If people are questioning their action based on your writing, that kinda your point, while i get that some people do this willingly i don’t get that people arent always willing like in the case of canadas sadist radio host, but in the same person mind it was all good, shake my damn head. Kudos to you for speaking your mind

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you so much for posting this!!!!!!!!!!! A few years ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship, in just about every way possible, and I was so scared to get out of it. I finally broke free after so many years of abuse. I agree with you 100%, abuse in any way, shape, or form is never okay. Causing pain to another is not love, and no where close to unconditional love.

    I am looking to spread unconditional love and light to anyone and everyone, constantly and willingly.

    Much love and light to you my dear friend! <3

    -Alexandria <3

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s funny that I just read this comment because it’s relevant to what I had been pondering on for a while. I recently watched 50 shades. Yes, believe it or not, just got on the band wagon. I had NO idea the plot was based on THAT type of love/sex relationship. After the movie was over, I was like why were people obsessed with this Christian Grey character. And why were they so amused by this relationship. I mean to me it was a story about an unhealthy and twisted relationship, by no means a definition of something sexy and intriguing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts – you put things in perspective and yes, allow us to question how immune we have become to “stuff” around us.

    Liked by 1 person

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