“50 Shades of F _ _ ked Up!

Lately, I’ve noticed throughout our media many S&M/dominant/submissive spin offs from “50 shades of f_ _ked up (as the character Christian Grey so aptly put it in the film 50 Shades of Grey). There is no beauty in a S&M/dominant/submissive relationship. If there is no beauty, there is no harmony. If there is no harmony, there is no love. Why has “50 shades of f_ _ked up become such a phenomenon?

I watched a review of the film, in which a number of women thought it was great that we had a film that “promotes women exploring their sexuality”. Did I miss something? In the film, Anastasia was an adult virgin (so sexual experimentation was most definitely not her focus). Secondly, Anastasia refuses repeatedly throughout the film to allow the character Christian to perform any of the (deviant) sexual acts that truly turn him on (acts that are painful and/or degrading). Until the last sex scene, when she allows him to have his way (since up until this point he has been controlling yes… but to her confusion he has also been loving and romantic). When he does actually show that he derives pleasure from hurting her, she immediately leaves him. This film was not about sexual experimentation, as much as it was about becoming strong enough to stand up for oneself , how to set sexual boundaries & how physical and sexual abuse as a child can severely warp a person’s mature lovemap.

The movie showed a man who admitted he was “f_ _ked up” (who revealed why: having been born to and spending his early childhood in the home of woman who was an abusive drug addicted prostitute… to later (yet still an impressionable adolescent) be sexually victimized for another 6 years by yet another “f_ _ked up” controlling sadomasochistic woman… (it is not a big surprise that the character’s mature lovemap is deviant). In juxtaposition to the deviant lovemap, the movie portrays a young lady: pure and innocent, who although she did not come from a “perfect” home, she had always had a loving father figure in her life & hence a mature lovemap that sought the same in a partner. Innocent young lady, full of insecurities, struggling financially, trying to find her place in the world, gets sidelined by a more powerful/older predator, who is (outwardly) extremely confident, able to take away her financial woes, and tries to manipulate her understanding of where/what her place is in the world. Although innocent enough to be temporarily intimidated into doing things that made her feel uncomfortable…. She quickly grew aware of the depth of her lover’s unstable mental health… and after trying to love him unconditionally… quickly left for the sake of her own physical and mental well-being. In summary: (surprisingly) there where some good messages in the film.

Unfortunately, our mass media has decided once again to focus on the shock (selling/$) value of the film (promoting the negatives, the deviant). The music industry, magazine covers, fashion… are making visual representations of S&M/dominants/submissives part of our everyday world/norm. Sure, a lot of the media tries to make the S&M cute and playful – news flash; there is nothing cute about S&M. The film and media can give it trendy names “dominant” “submissive” but it’s all S&M (properly defined as sadism & masochism: gratification, especially sexual, gained through inflicting or receiving physical or mental pain and suffering). Why are we promoting pain and suffering? Why is our culture’s latest trend an attempt to promote (and an embracement of) extremely unhealthy relationships? So sad.

We should be promoting love! If people are bored with the missionary position and want to “experiment” with their sexuality – why can’t it be physically & mentally (spiritually) healthy (loving) sex? Maybe because it takes a lot longer to master the art of inflicting love? The Kama Sutra, Tantric Sex, Taoist Sexual practices all about inflicting love. That should be our cultural trend. There is nothing healthy in receiving pleasure from hurting someone else (or receiving pleasure by being hurt by someone else). If this is what you seek, stop reading desirable love immediately and seek professional help! Sex should not be something that you have to heal from… it should be (in it’s own right) a healing (as is all love) experience. Go experiment with love!

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desirablelove.com

New York University MA · Aesthetics (study of the mind and emotions in relation to the sense of beauty/harmony) Colloquium Title: “The Meta- and Physical Epistemology of Aesthetics: how the human body, mind & spirit are effected by beauty/harmony & love” New York University BA · Double Major: Psychology/Art History · Double Minor: Writing/Photography Former Columnist New York Post · New York, NY

23 thoughts on ““50 Shades of F _ _ ked Up!”

  1. A great perspective. I hope others understand your message. If not understand, perhaps take a step back out find out about life and life for themselves and not be tof by the media.

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  2. A brilliant outlook on the whole series. I have not been able to figure out the allure to 50 shades yet, specially (and obviously!) the porn part and probably won’t any time soon!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Not even for a minute were you alone on this! The day I read the raving book reviews, I thought the world’s gone mad! They just gobbled up another Twilight.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. You’re not alone at all. As a woman I find this alarming because there are people who only see the “I can hit a woman and call it spicing things up in the bedroom” or the, “at least I get foreplay from all of this humiliation.” I watched the last hour of the film on Sunday. It was appalling to say the very least, how it showed him being just nasty to her “It’s all in your head.” I wish they’d had a male lead who was not physically attractive and didn’t have social skills to hid the monster. People would really see this for what it is: UGLY.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello, I like your challenge of what the media and dominant culture feeds about what we should find exciting. I wondered though if your line about ‘stop reading immediately and seek professional help’ might leave some people feeling frightened and wrong about their desires, fantasies and experiences. There is a difference between abusive dynamics and mutually consensual exploration and play. I have learned that some of the levels of respect and love and communication in people who explore these kinds of edges and nuances of their experiences can offer insights into how to communicate and love well whether in tantric sex or any other kind of consensual loving sexual contact.

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    1. That is my intent, to make people question what they are now being told is the norm: hurt those you love. Other than that, do whatever you want in bed! Really hurting someone (which is what 50 Shades of Grey is discussing & which the film decided is not a good thing) does not grow trust or secure a foundation; in fact, it has the exact opposite effect. Try to think of it in other terms. If you love your child, would you want to experiment with hurting them to build trust, or, show them how much you love them? No, of course not! We have to be careful in confusing the trend of accepting/loving everyone for whom they are (which is a good thing), with accepting/allowing people to do what ever they want to us in the name of “love” (that is a bad thing). If you want to learn about communication, why not do it in a positive way? As for love and respect, hurting someone whether it be your partner or your child, is never respectful or loving. Feel great about going for ALL your fantasies and desires (not just in sex, but in life) — simply don’t ever start with the intent to injure yourself or anyone else (physically or mentally). If you do, question your intentions.

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  4. I like your message. You are right that pain and punishment are not loving, nor is it expecially healthy to get off by shaming another person. But I feel there is a concept that is missing, BDSM can be used in a loving relationship. I know that sounds odd, but the bases of this type of play is trust. What’s shown in the movie and books is purely messed up because it’s unhealthy, the relationship as a whole is unhealthy, but if two people in a loving, healthy relationship want to explore this aspect of sexuality, and do it safely, I for one, do not view that as unloving, but a way to grow in the foundation they have already established. But what do I know? I’ve never practiced BDSM, but I have talked to friends who have.

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    1. Thanks you for your thoughts. I must wonder why 2 people in a supposedly healthy & loving relationships would want to experiment with hurting one another? Hurting someone does not grow trust or secure a foundation (as they seem to be telling you), in fact, it has the exact opposite effect. If you desire to hurt someone there has to be anger involved — a lot of anger. Try to think of it in other terms. If you love your child, would you want to experiment with hurting them to build trust? No, of course not! We have to be careful in confusing the trend of accepting/loving everyone for who they are (which is a good thing), with accepting/allowing people to do what ever they want to us in the name of “love” (that is a bad thing). I wish your friends every happiness.

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  5. Well being deviant is action does not mean you seek to inflict harm or pain. You or the sub have agreed to this expression of pleasure. Love, sex should always be a partnership and a complimentary exchange between to people or however many you choose to be involved…
    Most people can never see the forest or the trees. They just outside in the wilderness.

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    1. You are correct. The definition of deviant does not mean you have to inflict harm or pain, However, the definition of S&M does (and this is the context in which I use the word deviant). There are many people in this world who think they are not worthy of being loved… Some people would prefer a destructive relationship to no relationship at all… The thought of being alone is unbearable for many — so they are willing to put up with all kinds of abuse… There are many reasons why someone would consent to being hurt — but none of them are healthy. No one should be abused, whether they “ask for it” or not. Just like, no one should be raped, even though many perps say the victim “asked for it”. People need to learn to love themselves enough to tell their abusers, “No!” Spread love, not hate.

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  6. Nicely put. There is the level of broken, even when any and all bondage and S & M are done safely and respectfully, that media and society gloss over to profiteer from. It has clearly become a marketing ploy to sell abuse and dysfunction to the masses. The first time I saw the books stacked all over a Walmart, I choked back vomit, knowing the next generation are being programmed to believe this deviancy is what good and healthy sex is in a relationship to be sold the next generation of sex enhancers and pharmaceuticals.
    I cringe that love is taken away from sex.
    And I cringe that there are that many abused and broken people in the world that believe abuse, domination, and submission are normal and healthy in a sexual relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Very good article. The idea of knowing who you truly are and being confident enough to exert that not matter what you may lose is a concept that is lost on most people. Very good assessment, Ebinotti.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I won’t comment the film, haven’t seen it, although i feel i would be quite bored at it. Good movie for exploration of sex is Piano teacher, for instance, or Y tu mama tambien, or even Irreversible (which is a bit heavy…) by Noe. When you look at it, you realise there are not many films dealing with the essence of sex, at all. It is a hard topic to picture not to get corny or to graphic or to pop, but to capture the essence of sex, that is hard to do… Because sex is always something more, and behind, never what it actually is. But always it comes to the equasion sane society = sane sex. Unsane society = unsane sex. Sex is as the bottom of each and every thing, only most of it is converted, sublimated, yet many of these sublimations are downward spiral – they are negative (christian way of sublimation etc.) and created a big shadow around the whole issue of healthy body and sex image…

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